


Wake Up. It's time, little girl. Wake up.

by Sparklyfairymira (myonetruelove)



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Established Relationship, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Kid Fic, Memory Loss, Mental Health Issues, Military
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-30
Updated: 2021-01-30
Packaged: 2021-03-16 22:53:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29090091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myonetruelove/pseuds/Sparklyfairymira
Summary: Octavia lost her memories while overseas in Azgeda while serving the Arkadia Army and she is presumed dead. Four years later her memories return and now she must return to a life that she hasn't known for years—to a husband and a daughter that thought she was dead.
Relationships: Octavia Blake/Lincoln
Comments: 3
Kudos: 21
Collections: The t100 Writers for BLM Initiative





	Wake Up. It's time, little girl. Wake up.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [munequita](https://archiveofourown.org/users/munequita/gifts).



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Octavia takes a deep breath as the car pulls up to a stop outside of the house. It looks unchanged, exactly as it did in her memories. One would think that things would change in four years, but it all looks the same. She quickly blinks away the tears that fill her eyes. 

Four years.

Her life feels like a story or a movie that she’s seen—how can this be real life? How can she drop back into a life that she’d forgotten for four years as if nothing had changed? Because even though the house may look the same, Octavia doesn’t kid herself into thinking that nothing else has changed.

She knows that they’re waiting inside for her—hell, they could be at the window watching her as she watches the house. But she can’t bring herself to get out of the car. It feels like such a big step—a step she doesn’t know if she’s ready to make. Her eyes fall shut as she focuses on her breathing.

_ Breathe in. Breathe out.  _

_ Breathe in. Breathe out. _

Breathing is what will keep her centered, reminds her of where she is. She may have given her therapist a hard time about being required to attend sessions with him, but Gabriel had helped her more than she can ever thank him for. And they’d agreed that she was ready for this step. 

Up until the car had pulled up, Octavia had been sure that she was ready. Now? She just doesn’t know if she can do it. She knows the expectations that are going to be on her and she doesn’t know if she can live up to them. She’s not the same woman that she was four years ago—she doesn’t even fully remember that woman. But she has to try. She owes that to herself and to them.

She steels her shoulder as she undoes her seatbelt before opening the door slowly. 

_ Just one step at a time. _

It’s like Gabriel is in her ear, reminding her of everything that they’d worked, and that makes her smile. 

_ She can do this.  _

She grabs her bag from the backseat, shutting the door quietly before waving to the driver, and heading up the pathway.

_ One foot in front of the other. One step at a time. _

Octavia pauses at the door, awkward for a moment. This is her home, but she doesn’t feel like she can just walk in. She shrugs, taking another deep breath before knocking. What else is she supposed to do?

Who will answer the door? Who will be the first one to greet her? Who all will be here? So many questions run through Octavia’s head as she moves anxiously from foot to foot, wishing that someone—anyone—would come to the door before she darts away.

She’s just taking a step backward when the door flies open and Octavia drops her bag, her eyes filling with tears as she launches herself into her brother’s arms. “Bellamy,” she whispers as she hugs him close as her eyes slide shut. His arms band around her as he lifts her off the ground. 

As he sets her on the ground she realizes that he’s crying—no, not crying—he’s sobbing into her shoulder. Octavia clings to him more desperately as they cry together as memories flash through her mind.

_ Bellamy stands over her and offers her a candy bar.  _

_ Bellamy kneels before her, places a bandaid on her knee before pressing a kiss above it, and declaring it, “All better!” _

_ A teenage Bellamy rolls his eyes but doesn’t quite hide his grin when she tells him that he’s her favorite person in the whole world.  _

_ An older Bellamy with solemn eyes after she tells him that she’s enrolled in the Army. “Why would you do that, O? Why would you do that to me? To Mom?” _

_ Bellamy stands proudly at her boot camp graduation and tells her, “I’m proud of you.” _

_ Bellamy walks her down the aisle to give her away. “You look beautiful.” _

_ “O!” Bellamy is on her computer screen, but there’s a delay and it keeps glitching. “Only a few more days and you’ll be home. We can’t wait to see you.” _

Octavia pulls back as she smiles up at Bellamy who isn’t even trying to hide his tears. “I’ve missed you, big brother.”

“I’ve missed you, too, O.” Bellamy pulls her in for one more quick hug before stepping out of her way to grab her bag from the ground.

Octavia moves slowly into the house and there’s Clarke, just as blonde and beautiful as always, but with a baby on her hip, and a toddler clutching at her leg. Beautiful babies that are obviously her brothers. She has two nephews. She moves cautiously toward Clarke, not wanting to upset the children. 

Clarke doesn’t seem to have any reservations as she throws an arm around Octavia. The baby on her hip reaches out, grasping at Octavia’s shirt as the toddler runs to Bellamy. Octavia’s eyes fall shut as more memories force their way forward.

_ A small girl with blonde hair and a frilly pink dress punches a boy in the face before she reaches down to help Octavia up from the ground. When she grins she’s missing one of her front teeth. “Are you okay?” _

_ The same girl in a cheerleading uniform jumps up and down with her. “We’re going to the same college!” _

_ Clarke, older now, won’t look her in the eye. “I have to tell you something. It’s about Bellamy.” _

_ Clarke leans over to kiss Bellamy while Octavia pretends to vomit. “Come on, we all know you’ve always wanted me to be your sister.” _

“I…” Clarke chokes on her words before sighing. “I love you. I’ve missed you. I’m so glad that you’re here.”

Octavia pulls back to smile at her through her tears. “Same.” She glances at the two young boys and she wants to ask who they are, but there’s someone else waiting for her—two people waiting for her that she doesn’t want to keep waiting any longer. 

Octavia turns slowly and there they are—Lincoln and Lily. Her eyes flicker between the two as she tries to figure out who to focus on first. Lincoln, the man that she loves—her husband. Lily, the beautiful girl that she birthed. She’d barely been a year old when Octavia had last seen her. Now she’s so big, but she’d know her anywhere. Only partially because Lily is a spitting image of her. She knows that there’s no way that her daughter recognizes her—they prepared for that. But does that really matter?

Octavia’s eyes lock with Lincoln’s and she’s moving before she even thinks about it. Running across the room and into his arms. He sweeps her up as Octavia’s tears turn into sobs. She’s missed him so much. Even when she hadn’t remembered him, she’d known that there was a piece of her heart missing. 

For the first time in four years, she feels whole. She’s finally home.

* * *

**Four years ago**

Octavia walks along the perimeter, eyes alert. The sun won’t begin to rise for a few more hours, but she has an extra spring to her step today. She goes home tomorrow. A year away from her husband and her daughter has been too long. She hasn’t told Lincoln yet but she’s decided against reenlisting. It’s time for her to be home with her family. She doesn’t know what she’ll do next since the Army is all that she’s ever known, but she knows that it’s what is best for her and her family.

She doesn’t want to miss all of Lily’s milestones—she wants to be there to see her baby girl grow up. When she’d joined the Arkadia Army at eighteen her brother and mom hadn’t been excited—they’d thought she was throwing her life away. But they’d come to understand that she needed the discipline and order. Being in the Army has made her a better person. 

But at eighteen she hadn’t been thinking about what it would be like to start a family when you’re shipped off every few years for a year at a time. She’d been lucky to have the first year of her daughter’s life at home with her, but now she’s missed her daughter’s second birthday and so many other milestones. She knows that Lincoln doesn’t resent her for it and Lily is too young to know better, but this isn’t the life she wants for them.

Octavia freezes, head snapping to the side. She thought she heard something, but nothing seems to be there. She holds her breath and then the world explodes around her. As she flies through the air, her last thoughts are of her daughter.

  
  


* * *

**Sometime after the explosion**

Octavia blinks against the bright light, wincing as pain radiates through her body. She hears voices around her, but she can’t understand what they’re saying. A face appears above her, blurry and she thinks that they might be speaking to her, but she’s not sure. 

She swallows, squeezing her eyes shut as she tries to focus against the pain.

“Miss? Miss?”

Her eyes blink back open and the face comes into focus, an older woman is smiling gently. Octavia opens her mouth to speak, but it comes out as a croak. Her throat is so dry.

“Here, let me get you some water.” The woman disappears for a moment before reappearing with a glass in her hand. She moves the straw to Octavia’s lips and she drinks greedily. “There, there. I’ll give you some more in a minute. Don’t want too much at once.”

“Where am I?” Octavia asks, voice cracking and breaking but at least she can speak.

“You’re in the hospital.” The woman runs a hand over Octavia’s hair. “Do you remember what happened?”

Octavia frowns as she realizes she doesn’t remember anything—as in nothing at all. She doesn’t even know her own name. “I don’t...I don’t even know my name.”

“It’s okay, sweetheart.” The woman’s smile is softer, a little sad. “You had a very bad head injury, so it’s not that surprising. But don’t worry, we’ll take good care of you. We’ll get you strong and we’ll figure it out, okay?”

Octavia nods slowly because what else is she supposed to do? She squeezes her eyes shut as tears threaten to fall. How does someone forget their whole lives? Is there someone out there missing her and wondering where she is? Or is she alone in this world? Will she ever remember?

“Okay, dear. We’re going to give you something for the pain. Don’t be surprised if you start to nod off. We want to give your body a chance to heal,” her voice is soft and Octavia welcomes the kindness.

It doesn’t take long for the drugs to kick in and she welcomes the oblivion of sleep. At least there she doesn’t have to wonder who she is.

* * *

**A few months ago**

“Miss Olivia!”

Octavia turns slowly to find a young girl running towards her. She smiles as she waits for Charlotte to catch up. 

Her name isn’t Olivia—that much she knows. It’s been over three years since she woke up in the Azgeda hospital with no memories and she’s been unable to remember anything since then. She goes to therapy every week and they try to help her remember, but she just can’t. While Olivia isn’t her name, it feels close so she sticks with it. She just wishes she could remember what her name really is.

“Hi, Charlotte, what can I do for you?” Octavia squats down so she’s more on the girl’s level.

“I finished the book you lent me.” Charlotte holds out the book shyly and Octavia smiles as she takes it from her. 

With no memories and no idea what she is qualified to do, Octavia has been working as a teacher’s assistant at one of the local schools. It’s been good for her to work with the kids. Honestly, she loves it and she loves them. She knows that Azgeda isn’t home, though she doesn’t know how she knows this. But until she remembers where home is she’s happy here. 

“Thank you, Charlotte. I will bring you a new one tomorrow, okay?” Octavia stands slowly as the girl nods before skipping off. She makes her way to her car and starts heading home.

She never sees the truck that slams into the side of her car.

* * *

**Sometime after the accident...**

Octavia wakes slowly, pain radiating through her body. She blinks her eyes open, squinting against the bright lights as deja vu rushes through her. When is she going to stop waking up in hospital rooms?

“Olivia?” a voice asks.

“Octavia. My name is Octavia.” She freezes. Her name is Octavia Blake-Woods. She squeezes her eyes shut as memories begin to flood through her head. 

_ Bellamy. _

_ Her mom. _

_ Clarke. _

_ Lincoln. _

_ Lily. _

She struggles to sit up, but someone pushes at her shoulders to keep her in place. “You have to stay lying down.”

“No, you don’t understand. I remember. I remember everything and I need to get back to my family.” Octavia struggles against the hands holding her in place, flinching when she feels a needle slide into her arm. “No, please. No.”

But it’s too late, she’s already drifting under.

* * *

**A few days later...**

“Octavia,” Gabriel’s voice is soft, “I know you want to go home to your family, but we need to make sure that you’re ready for that.”

Octavia slams her hands onto the arms of the chair she sits in. “Of course, I’m ready to go home! How can you say that?” She leans forward, eyes locking with his. “I forgot that I had a husband, a daughter, a brother, a mother—for  _ four  _ years. Four. I’m ready to go home and see them.”

Gabriel doesn’t say anything, just sits there watching her—which she hates. She leans back in her chair, crossing her arms before taking a deep breath. She knows what he’s going to say before he opens his mouth.

“You’ve been through a trauma, Octavia. You may feel like you’re ready, but that doesn’t mean that you are ready.” Gabriel nods. “That anger that you’re feeling? That resentment? We need to deal with that before you go home. Do you want to blow up on your daughter because you went home too soon?”

Octavia’s anger deflates as she shakes her head. Of course, she doesn’t and she knows that she has to wait, but she just wants to go home. She’s been gone for too long already. “Fine, then help me get ready.”

“What do you think we’re doing?” Gabriel laughs before sobering. “The Army has contacted your family, so they know you’re alive now. They’re all very excited to see you as soon as you’re ready.” He pauses. “But I do have some bad news for you.”

Bad news? She’s not sure she can take any bad news. But what choice does she have? She sits up straighter and nods her head. “I’m ready.”

Gabriel considers her for a moment before nodding. “Your mom passed away earlier this year.”

Octavia had really thought that she was ready for whatever he had to tell her, but as his words settle she feels like her whole world is crumbling. She fights to remember how to breathe as grief, anger, and resentment crash into her—wave after wave threatening to overwhelm her.

“Octavia, focus on my voice. Listen to me.” Gabriel is closer to her now. “I need you to breathe. In and out. In and out. Focus on your breaths.”

She squeezes her eyes shut, shaking her head as does what he asks. She forces a breath into her lungs, shaky as it may be, before letting it out. 

_ Breathe in. Breathe out. _

_ Breathe in. Breathe out. _

She just has to focus on her breathing. One thing at a time. 

* * *

**Now**

Octavia pulls away from Lincoln to drop to her knees in front of Lily. She reaches out to her daughter, but she steps away and ducks behind Lincoln’s legs. Octavia lets her hands fall to her side, fighting to keep her face neutral. She’d known that this was a possibility—but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.

“I’m sorry, O,” Lincoln says softly as she stands up. “She just doesn’t know you.”

Octavia nods. “I know and that makes sense. I knew that was a possibility.” She forces a smile on her face. “I’ve missed you so much.”

Lincoln nods to Clarke over her shoulder and she appears next to Octavia a moment later, squeezing her arm before reaching around Lincoln. “Come on, Lily. Let’s go play outside with your cousins and Uncle Bell while Daddy and Mommy talk, okay?”

Lily hesitates for a moment before sticking her head out to glance at Octavia. As soon as their eyes meet Lily jerks her head toward Lincoln, pulling on his pants until he drops down to her level. She leans in and whispers something in his ear that brings a smile to Lincoln’s face. “Okay, baby. I love you. Go have fun.” He presses a kiss to her forehead, watching her as she grabs Clarke’s hand and they head out of the room. 

Lincoln stands up slowly, moving closer to her. He hesitates for a moment before laughing. “I don’t know how to act. How dumb is that?”

“It’s not.” Octavia laughs. “I feel the same way.” She shrugs, looking away for a moment. “Are we supposed to act like I wasn’t missing for the last four years? Just pick up where we left off? I just don’t know.”

“Well, I’d like to kiss you right now, if that’s okay.” Lincoln smiles as he looks down at her.

“Yes,” she blurts out, face flushing slightly. This shouldn’t be awkward. This is her husband—the man she’s technically been married to for almost seven years, even though she was missing for four of those and over overseas for one year before that. 

Lincoln moves in slowly, his large hand coming up to cup her cheek. Octavia smiles and lets her rest against it and then his lips are on hers—hesitant at first, but they quickly find their groove again.

Octavia feels like her body is on fire from the moment his tongue brushes against her lips. She’s been celibate for five years—one year while she was stationed overseas and the four years she was missing there had always been something holding her back and now she’s glad for it because it means that she never betrayed her vows, even unknowingly. 

When they break apart they’re both breathing hard and both grinning. Lincoln leans his forehead against hers. “I’m so glad that you’re here, Octavia. You don’t even want to know how bad the last four years were thinking you were dead. I don’t know that I would’ve survived it if it hadn’t been for Lily.”

Octavia shakes her head. “You would have because you’re the strongest person I know.”

“No, that’s you.” Lincoln brushes his lips across hers again. “As much as I’d love to keep doing this, I know that Bellamy and Clarke want to spend some time with you as well. Plus the more time you spend with Lily the better. And of course, you need to officially meet your nephews.”

Octavia smiles and nods as she trails after him. She pushes down the pain at her mom not being here, pushes down the pain of her daughter ducking away from her. She pushes it all down to deal with later. 

_ Breathe in. Breathe out. _

_ Breathe in. Breathe out. _

_ One step at a time. _

* * *

Octavia has been back home for a month and she wishes that it was going better than it is. Gabriel keeps reminding her that they all need time to adjust to their new reality, but how much time? And what is she supposed to do with herself in the meantime?

She sighs as she throws herself onto the couch, staring up at the ceiling. It’s obvious that Lincoln and Lily don’t need her—they have their own routine and all she does is mess it up. She’s tried to help Lily get ready in the morning, but her daughter is having none of it. 

She tried to make lunch for Lincoln and Lily the other day only to end up in tears on the floor because she doesn’t know if her own daughter is allergic to peanuts. Lincoln had picked her up off the floor and held her as she cried. 

It’s embarrassing. She can’t get a job yet, Gabriel says she needs to get readjusted to her life first—which she gets, but damn what the hell is she supposed to do all day? There’s only so much housework and reality tv that one person can do. She’d offered to have Lily stay at home with her while Lincoln is at work and Lily had thrown a fit so that was a no-go. 

Lily is still so guarded with her. She ignores her when they’re alone and will only talk to her when Lincoln pushes her to. Gabriel keeps saying it’s normal, but how can it be normal that her daughter wants nothing to do with her?

_ A daughter that doesn’t remember you, _ she reminds herself. 

She jerks upright when she hears her phone go off, her heart pounding in her chest. She closes her eyes and forces herself to take deep breaths before grabbing it off the table. “Lincoln?” she asks, confused. While it’s not abnormal for him to call and check on her, he’d called her on his lunch break less than an hour before.

“Hey, O.” He sounds tired. “Look, I hate to do this, but Lily is throwing up so she can’t stay at daycare. I have a meeting that starts in ten minutes so I can’t leave. Bellamy and Clarke are both stuck at work.”

Octavia bites her lip as she realizes that she’s Lincoln’s last phone call—his last resort. It hurts that she’s the last person that gets called to pick up her daughter when she’s sick. But this is her life. This is how it is and she has to accept that.

“Right. Well, I’ll go pick her up. I have to address.” Octavia is already moving toward the kitchen to grab her purse. “Do they know I’m coming?”

“I’ll call them back as soon as we get off the phone. You’re listed as someone who can pick her up so that won’t be an issue.” He pauses and Octavia knows he wants to say something, but he’s afraid of how she’ll react.

“Just say it, Linc.”

“She might not want to go with you, O. Her teachers know the situation. Just go to the desk when you get there, they’ll check your ID, but don’t be surprised if they want you to wait in the car.”

Octavia takes a deep breath. That makes sense. It’s fine. She can do this. “That’s fine. I’ve got this. Go to your meeting. I love you.” 

“I love you, too.”

Octavia dashes out to her SUV that she’s barely driven—not because she’s afraid, but because she’s had nowhere to go. She’s gone to therapy, to the gym, and to the grocery store. She really needs to find some hobbies that get her out of the house. She follows the GPS to Lily’s school and Lincoln was correct, they do have her wait in the car.

He was also correct about Lily not wanting to go with her.

“No!” Lily screams as the teacher buckles her into her seat, tears streaming down her face. “I don’t want to go with her! I want Daddy!”

“Shhhh, Lily,” her teacher whispers. “Your Mommy is going to take care of you.”

“She’s not my Mommy! I want Daddy!”

Octavia squeezes her eyes shut against the pain. She knows that Lily doesn’t say these things to hurt her—she just doesn’t understand. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less. She takes a deep breath as she hears the back door shut over Lily’s cries. 

Her head jerks to the side when there’s a knock on the window. She forces a smile on her face as she rolls down the window. The young woman gives her a sad smile. “I know there’s a lot going on at home right now and don’t take her words to heart. She’s just used to only having Lincoln.”

Octavia’s smile tightens. She doesn’t need this woman to tell her this. She  _ knows _ this. She is living it. But she just nods. “Thank you. We’ll be fine.” She waves as the other woman walks away, the smile falling from her face. 

She glances in the rearview mirror to find Lily crying, arms beating against the seat. Well, it’s going to be a long afternoon. She pulls out of the daycare parking lot and heads home. Luckily they don’t live far because Lily continues to scream the entire way home. 

Octavia barely manages to make it into the house with Lily before she vomits all over both of them. 

_ Gross. _

“It’s okay, baby,” Octavia murmurs as she rushes toward the bathroom. She strips them both of their clothes as she runs the bathwater. Lily takes off for her room as soon as Octavia turns her back.

“Fuck,” she mutters under her breath. She follows behind her, finding the girl on her bed. Great. Now she’s going to have to wash her sheets. She shakes her head, grabbing new clothes for Lily before heading to her own room to grab clothes for herself. 

She hesitates outside of the master bedroom for just a moment, wondering if she and Lincoln will ever share a bed again. She shakes her head, forcing her mind from that line of thought. It takes longer than it should, but she manages to get Lily in the bathtub while she cleans herself off with a washcloth. 

The bath seems to calm Lily down a bit and it leaves Octavia feeling a bit more hopeful that the rest of the day might go better. They make their way downstairs and Octavia turns on a movie so that Lily will have something to do while she tries to find the thermometer. 

She isn’t gone for more than five minutes, but when she makes her way back into the living room Lily has dumped her purse upside down and its contents are everywhere. She’s drawn all over the wall, table, and TV with Octavia’s favorite lipstick. Her compact is open, the glass broken, and it’s contents smashed into the carpet.

“Lily Anne Woods!” Octavia doesn’t think as she yells.

Lily freezes in place but doesn’t turn to look at her.

“What do you think you’re doing? Is this how you’re supposed to act?” Octavia demands. “Look at me when I’m talking to you.”

“No!” Lily yells, throwing the lipstick down as she turns around. “I don’t have to listen to you! You’re not my Mommy! My Mommy is dead! Dead! Never coming back! That’s what Daddy said! So you’re a fake. You’re not real. I won’t listen to you!” She sprints up the stairs and Octavia sinks to the floor as she hears a door slam.

She can’t do this. She can’t. She shouldn’t have come home. This was the wrong choice. 

She grabs her phone from the floor and texts Lincoln. 

_ You need to get home now. _

She drops the phone to the floor as she pulls her knees to her chest and lets the tears fall—let’s all the pain and turmoil she’s been holding in comes out in the shape of her tears.

_ She can’t do this. _

* * *

Lincoln finds her on the floor an hour later, arms wrapped around herself as she stares blankly at the wall. She doesn’t move when he comes in, doesn’t respond when he calls out to her. 

_ She can’t do this.  _

She hears him stop in front of her, but she can’t make out the words he says. Then he’s making his way up the stairs. When he comes back down she assumes he has Lily in his arms as he can hear her crying, but she can’t find it in herself to respond.

_ She can’t do this. _

Time passes. She knows it does, but she doesn’t feel it. She doesn’t feel anything. She’s empty. Broken. A disaster. 

_ She can’t do this. _

She thinks she hears Clarke’s voice, but that doesn’t make sense. She wants to shrug—she wants to do anything, but she can’t seem to make her body move. Something inside of her has broken and she doesn’t know how to fix it—doesn’t know how to make this right.

_ She can’t do this. _

She blinks and Lincoln is kneeling in front of her, hands cupping her face and forcing her to look at him. She blinks as her eyes try to focus. It’s too much. It’s too hard. 

_ She can’t do this. _

“You  _ can _ do this, Octavia.” 

The words reach her, though it feels like she’s hearing it through a fishbowl—muffled and not quite right. She must’ve been saying it out loud.

“Do you hear me, O? You  _ can _ do this. You’re a fighter. You can do anything.”

Octavia blinks again, Lincoln’s face slowly coming into focus. There are tears drying on his cheeks and this pulls at something inside of her. She’s never seen him cry. Lincoln doesn’t cry. So why is he crying?

She squeezes her eyes shut, forces herself to focus on her breathing.

_ Breathe in. Breathe out. _

_ Breathe in. Breathe out. _

“O?”

Octavia’s eyes open, locking with Lincoln’s. She reads the fear and the pain there—the pain and fear she put there. It’s a dagger to her heart as her hands grasp at him and then he’s pulling her into his arms and they’re both crying.

It breaks her heart.

How did they get here? Why is this their life? What did they do to deserve this?

She doesn’t know how long they sit like this, but she’s pretty sure that she’s drifted off to sleep at some point because when she opens her eyes it’s dark. She pulls back and swallows as she looks up at Lincoln. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?” he asks as he takes her face into his hands once more.

“I’m sorry that you thought I died. I’m sorry that you and Lily had to go through that. I’m sorry that I came back and made your lives harder. I’m sorry that I can’t even watch my own daughter for an afternoon without falling apart. I’m sorry that Lily doesn’t think I’m her mom because you told her that I was never coming back so now she thinks I’m not real.” Octavia drops her head, not sure that she can meet his eyes any longer. “I’m sorry that you’re married to me when I’m a mess. I’m sorry that you don’t want me anymore. I’m sorry that you’re saddled with me. I’m just sorry.”

“What? No.” Lincoln lifts her face, forcing her to meet his eyes. “None of that is anything you should be sorry for. Hell, half of it’s not true. And please trust me when I say that not only do I still love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you still, but I want you more now than ever before. Don’t ever doubt that.” 

Octavia stares at him for a moment and wonders if that’s true. She leans in and presses her lips to his. She jerks back when he doesn’t immediately respond. “I’m...I didn’t-”

Lincoln’s lips crash down on hers, cutting her off. Unlike every other kiss that they’ve shared in the last month since she’s been home, this kiss isn’t remotely chaste. It is laced with unbridled passion and barely contained desire. 

Octavia arches into him, wanting more. Her hands grasp at his shirt, pulling it up. They break apart as he allows her to pull it over his head. She takes her time, licking her lips as she just looks at him. They’ve been careful since she’s been home never to be remotely undressed around one another. 

Octavia is sure that Lincoln hasn’t wanted to push her and she’s been afraid of what he’ll think of her body—the new scars, the added weight. A body that is much different than it was four years ago. 

_ She can do this. _

She reaches down, yanking her shirt over her head but avoids looking at Lincoln when she feels his eyes on her. She reaches back to unsnap her bra and lets it fall to the ground—still refusing to look at Lincoln.

“Octavia.” Lincoln’s voice is pleading and laced with desire. “Look at me.”

She squeezes her eyes shut for a moment before turning to meet his eyes. She’s shocked by the desire in his eyes—obviously, she’d heard it in his voice but she’d thought maybe he was pretending. Her eyes move down his body and it’s very obvious that is not pretending.

She stands up, quickly unsnaps her pants, and hooks her fingers into her panties before pulling them both down her legs. As Lincoln’s eyes rake over her body she smiles even as she feels tears forming in her eyes. 

She feels powerful.

She feels beautiful.

She feels  _ desired. _

Lincoln moves to his knees and reaches out for her, pulling her toward him. He turns her and leads her backward until her back hits the wall. His hands land on her hips as he leans forward to press a kiss to her stomach.

Octavia squeezes her eyes shut as she feels his lips move across a scar. His lips move across her stomach, trailing kisses all over before he dips down. His lips move lower and lower until he’s hovering over her center. 

Her hands run across his head and she wishes as she often has that he didn’t shave his head so that she had something to hold onto as his tongue flicks against her clit. Her head falls back against the wall with a loud thunk as her hips jerk forward. 

One of Lincoln’s hands moves from her hip and she feels his fingers move along her slit, testing her readiness. He gently sucks her clit as one finger slips inside of her. He moves slowly at first and she’s sure that he’s just being cautious, testing her limits, but that so isn’t what she needs. 

“More...please,” she moans.

She feels Lincoln chuckle against her, but he adds a second finger and picks up his pace. And then he’s adding a third finger and she feels so full. Her hips jerk as he hits her g-spot on the next thrust. 

She’s spiraling. She’s panting Lincoln’s name over and over, hips meeting the thrust of his fingers as his tongue circles her clit. Her back arches as she comes, grinding against Lincoln’s hand and face, a loud moan spilling from her lips. 

As she comes down her body feels heavy, limp. She’s honestly not sure how she’s holding herself up. Her head lulls to the side as she reaches down toward Lincoln again. “Come here.”

Lincoln stands up and she pulls him in for a kiss. She tastes just a hint of herself on his tongue as her hands slide down his chest and quickly undoes his pants. She pulls back as she tugs on them. “Off.”

“Yes ma’am,” Lincoln smirks as he kicks off his pants and then his boxer briefs and then he’s standing there in all of his glory. 

_ Holy shit, her man is hot.  _

Octavia licks her lips as she takes her time letting her eyes relearn his form. When her eyes meet his again he’s still smirking. The grin that lights up her face is wicked. “I want you to fuck me right here against the wall.”

Lincoln lifts his eyebrows, but steps closer to her. “Who am I to say no to that?” He dips his head down, kissing her as his hands grip her hips once more. He lifts her like she weighs nothing—which has always been something that turns her on more than it should—and she warps one leg around him while reaching between them to stroke his cock.

Lincoln breaks the kiss on a groan. “This isn’t me fucking you against the wall, O.”

Octavia laughs. “I’m sorry. I’ve missed you cock.” She kisses him again as she helps him line up with her center and then he’s sliding into her.

They both moan, the kiss long forgotten as he thrusts fully into her. “Hard and fast, baby,” she murmurs.

Lincoln grins as he adjusts her so that her back is firmly against the wall before pulling out and thrusting back in hard enough for her head to bounce off the wall. 

Octavia grins, moaning. “Yes. Like that.”

Lincoln doesn’t hesitate as he fucks into her. Octavia feels the bite of the wall into her back and it just makes the sensation all the better. She slides her hands down her body, tweaking her nipples with both hands before allowing one to continue to move further south. Her hips jerk the moment that her thumb brushes her clit.

She moves her hands in tandem as Lincoln fucks her just the way she wants it. Her orgasm catches her by surprise as he pushes up into her at the same time she pinches her nipple, thumb flicking against her clit and then she’s falling. 

Lincoln doesn’t slow his thrusts as she clutches around him. He continues to fuck her hard and fast. She’s still coming down when she feels him stiffen as he comes. She leans in and kisses him, languishly. 

When they break apart Lincoln’s smile is soft as he pulls out of her and sets her on her feet. “You okay?”

“I’m great.” Octavia grins as she leans back against the wall. “Though I think I need a shower.”

“I’m sure that can be arranged, but we also need to have a conversation about what happened while I was at work.” 

And just like that life comes crashing back down on Octavia. She nods as she forces herself to take deep breaths.

_ Breathe in. Breathe out.  _

_ Breathe in. Breathe out. _

_ She can do this. _

And so she tells him what happened, what Lily had said, and how it made her feel. How she’d shut down and how it is possible for that to happen again. She’s trying, but she knows that she still has more work to do. They need to figure out how to handle things with Lily, because what they’re doing isn’t working. 

“I know,” Lincoln says softly once she’s done. “I just don’t know what to do. She’s so young.”

“She is.” Octavia nods. “But we have to figure it out because I don’t want this to happen again if I can help it. I have a few ideas if you’d like to hear them.”

“I love you,” Lincoln says with a smile.

Octavia laughs. “I love you, too, but that isn’t what we were talking about.” 

“I know, but I needed to say it.” Lincoln leans over to kiss her again before they both move to start getting dressed. “Now, tell me what you’re thinking.”

* * *

Octavia tries not to tense up when she hears the front door open, forcing herself to take deep breaths. Following their impromptu wall sex and talk this afternoon, Lincoln had gone to pick up Lily from Bellamy and Clarke’s. Now it’s time for her to have a conversation with Lily—which honestly is freaking her out more than any conversation she’s had with Lincoln. She just wants her daughter to love her.

_ She can do this. _

_ Breathe in. Breathe out. _

_ Breathe in. Breathe out. _

She turns when she hears them walk into the living room, smiling at Lily.

Lincoln stands behind Lily, hands on her shoulders. “Lily, is there something that you wanted to say?”

“I’m sorry for what I said,” Lily speaks quietly, not quite meeting Octavia’s eyes. “It was mean and I’m sorry.”

Octavia nods. “I accept your apology and I’d like to say I’m sorry to you as well.”

Lily’s brow furrows as her eyes dart to Octavia’s. “You do? Why?”

“Because I wasn’t thinking about how hard this must be for you.” Octavia pats the couch beside her. “So, I’m sorry for not thinking of that and I was hoping that you wouldn’t mind talking to me for a minute.”

Lily glances up at Lincoln before turning back to Octavia. She gives a hesitant nod before climbing onto the couch.

Lincoln shoots Octavia a quick smile. “I’m just going to get dinner started. Let me know if you guys need anything.”

“I know that you’ve thought that I was gone for most of your memory and me showing back up must be very confusing, but it’s also confusing for me,” Octavia starts. She’s not sure exactly how to explain this to her daughter, but she knows she has to try.

“Why?” 

“Well, I was in an accident while I was working and I hit my head so hard that I forgot everything—my name, your Daddy, and even you—and that’s why I was gone for so long.”

Lily looks at her for a moment. “But how come you remember us now?”

Octavia laughs. “I hit my head again in another accident and when I woke up I remembered, so I came home as fast as I could. But you guys had a life while I was gone that didn’t include me, so I’m trying to figure out where I fit. And that’s why it’s confusing for me.”

“Okay.” Lily shrugs.

“Okay,” Octavia responds. “So I was thinking that we get to know one another. Instead of me just trying to jump in and be your mom, we’ll learn about each other until you feel comfortable. How does that sound?”

Lily nods. “I think I can do that.”

“Good. We’ll figure out what each other likes and doesn’t like and I bet we have a lot in common.” Octavia smiles. “But for now, why don’t we put on your favorite movie? You do have a favorite, right?”

Lily nods, grinning as she jumps off the couch and rushes over to the movies. She grabs one and runs back with it. “Little Mermaid is my favorite.”

Octavia laughs. “It was my favorite when I was your age too. See? I told you we’d have stuff in common.”

Lily nods. “Can we watch it?”

“Yes, we can watch it. Why don’t you get settled and I’ll put it on.” Octavia gets the DVD in, when she turns around she finds Lily back on the couch and Lincoln grinning at her from the kitchen. “Is it okay if I sit by you?”

“Yes.” Lily doesn’t turn to look at her as she sits, but it’s progress.

_ She can do this.  _

_ Breathe in. Breathe out. _

_ Breathe in. Breathe out. _

_ One step at a time.  _


End file.
